Mothers and Daughters

Mother and daughter relationships are known to have its ups and downs. Women in general tend to clash over the simplest things in life. It seems that either people have a strong close relationship with their mothers or a strained one. One that you strive for the closeness, but it always seems out of reach. The relationship with mothers can ultimately determine how you live your life and view other relationships in life. Whether it be the men you choose to be with, your work ethic, parenting styles, and so on. I have found in my life I lived in a way that had everything to do with my mother and nothing to do with me. It took me over 25 years to figure this out. Now that I am in my 30's and have begun living a life true to myself I now realize that I lived through her and it was a dark place. My mother did the best she could for me. She was a young mother married to a man that was abusive to her. She did what she thought was best and left this man and we began our life with her and my grandparents. Looking back my childhood seems like something fake. I remember it to be happy and fun, but as I've grown and seen things more clearly I think those happy memories were far and few between. My mother kept me in the dark about life. She believed that it was best for me not to know things. I believe in being honest with my kids at an age appropriate level. I'm 35 years old and still only know my father's name. I do not even know that very well, as I do not even know the correct spelling. How sad is that? I know she just tried to protect me and that is why I never questioned her about him or the situation. Now with my own children I find that I am doing the same thing for my eldest two children by deleting their biology from them, because with family biology is not what matters most of the time. I will do what I feel is necessary for them and my family.The only thing I will do different is honestly answer their questions to the best of my ability and give them information as needed. Mother's are not perfect, we make mistakes, but it is usually out of trying to keep our children safe. I feel as if my mother has issues with priorities, insecurities, and an overall view of life that is very wrong. For many years of my life I believed that men are untrustworthy and needed to be treated like children. They were indispensable, and should be used as such. I confused strong independence for insecurity. I always claimed I was just an independant women. A woman that would rather have a man in my life, but on my own terms and conditions. This created many issues for me and my relationships. Growing up I watched my mother play this game with men and it was confusing to me, but it was normal to me as well. After all, this is my mother, she knows best. It was not until I met my now husband to turn my thinking around to the way it should be. I am so thankful that he loved me enough to stick with me, and guide me to a healthy way of thinking. So I have successfully broken that chain of unhealthy thinking that I was brought up to think. I am beginning to reverse the cycle that she began so that my children, especially my daughters do not turn to that cycle of thinking. I have given my daughters and sons  the gift of stability of a Father and Mother who stay together and truly love each other. I show them the partnership. They see the good, they also see the bad. They see what a marriage and a family is supposed to be like. The person I am now has always been me, it just took help from my husband to have enough confidence to let the person inside of me out. My mother has witnessed the difference in me, and it has caused another strain to our relationship because she does not understand it. She still views life in the same way she always has, and it is sad. I'm not sure that she will ever change. I'm not sure we will have a close relationship that I know she seeks and does not understand why we do not have it. Could it be because the woman has never told me she loves me, but inside a card. I literally cannot remember when she told me this. Well, once or twice during strained conversations/arguments did she say these words. That has also created a person in me that has feared love, though I do not have this issue with love like I used to. This issue with the love of my mother does bother me, because I cannot honestly say if I love her. I know that I do, but my disdain for the person she is has clouded that emotion. I believe a long and drawn out heart to heart with her would do wonders for us, but neither one of us has opened that door to have one. It is something I need/should do for the simple fact that I do not want to have regrets and what if's once she is gone.